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Diary Entry [Friday. 6 , 2013]

It hurts.  It still hurts thinking about how a complete stranger, my biological mother, has passed away.  It was pretty recent.  She passed away on April 23rd, 2013.  They were right that there will be great change this year.

A few nights ago, my emotions had caught up with me.  I uncontrollably was crying myself to sleep at night.  It hurts that my [biological] mother had passed away right before my trip to the Philippines.  It also hurts thinking of how people [in my hometown village] knew exactly who I was in the barrio because I look like my mother.

My adoptive mother thinks that my biological mother after passing away helped make this trip happen for me. [In a Universal “Law of Attraction” type of trigger]

It’s strange.  I feel her presence even since I came home.

 

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Indiegogo campaign at https://igg.me/at/OnceUponAnOchia-/x

–> Follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/binitaydoc

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Losing my mother tongue.

I remember the first few moments attending the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM). There were many different languages of the Philippines being spoken back and forth, sounds and phrases that were familiar and alien to me as well. It was when I heard someone speaking out of the sea of other languages in the crowd had entranced me to this forgotten language that was once mine and that hearing the Cebuano or Bisaya language once again was eerily nostalgic.

It is documenting the loss in cultural and ethnic identity, and currently where I find these moments past, present and future moments most precious to keep and capture of how I’ve come to be seen and/or accepted as a member of my biological family in the Philippines very crucial and important.

Join me in my journey and let’s paint this picture together of reunion and reconciliation.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Indiegogo campaign at https://igg.me/at/OnceUponAnOchia-/x

–> Follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/binitaydoc

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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The Centipede

In the past two trips to the Philippines that I made in 2013 and 2015, before I made the journey to the motherland I have encountered or have been visited by a centipede that would come across my path.  It was this Monday morning that we have met again.

“Lane Wilcken explains that the segments of the centipede’s legs represent the chain of ancestors extending back in time,  with each pair of legs representing a paternal and maternal line.  The centipede suggests the continuity of life and responsibility of perpetuating lineage.” (p.84, Apostal)

Although I may not be of Kalinga descent; as far as I know, I’ve found this as a prelude symbol of my journey.

Centipede Drawing

Out of coincidence or superstition, this may be some sort of sign for my past trips and my upcoming trip as I continue to document the next segment of my journey of as a Filipino adoptee, or what I call a “FilAmpon” –   A play on the words Filpino American and the Filipino word “ampon,” which translates to adoption.

Join me on my journey as I learn more about my biological family and our collective narrative of where I came from at my latest film project, “Once Upon An Ochia”.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Indiegogo campaign at https://igg.me/at/OnceUponAnOchia-/x

–> Follow me on twitter at https://twitter.com/binitaydoc

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Apostol, Virgil Mayor. “Chapter Two: Shamanic and Spiritual Practices and Beliefs.” Way of the Ancient Healer: Sacred Teachings from the Philippine Ancestral Traditions. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic, 2010. 84. Print.

By unknown, published by Harper & Brothers of New York, written by Thomas Wallace Know (1835-1896) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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Binitay: Journey of a Filipino Adoptee Trailer

Here is the official trailer of my documentary.  The official full showing will be on Sunday, March 16th, 2014 at the Philippine American Community Center of Michigan (PACCM).  I invite you all to attend the showing and how the cultural communities have helped me come in terms with my identity as a transracial adoptee.  

For those who many not understand why I created this, this project was manifested from the time I was a pre-adolescent.  During that time, fellow classmates would find out that my parents happen to be white Caucasian, while I am a Filipino.  So I told them how I was adopted and so time and time again, questions would arise from classmates asking if I ever knew my real biological parents or family.  Other questions for example were: “Do you know how to speak Filipino?  Have you been back to the Philippines?  Were you born there?  Are you full Filipino?  Are you sure?  Do you know anything about the culture?”  And so on.

So because of those constant questions, experiences of outsiderness, and a growing eagerness to find out more about the man in the mirror, it finally had led to eventually opening up my case study papers for the first time.  I read those papers and had felt a cycle of anger, forgiveness, and understanding as I learned more about my homeland.  After being able to tell my story, others have told me I should document it.  So here it is, the preview to my documentary.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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“Araw-Araw” Day by Day Daily Grind

I’ve been on hiatus with keeping up with this blog but life has continued on with compiling the last pieces of footage back here in Michigan to complete my documentary.  Life also has kept going on as for work, organizing the Filipino Youth Initiative, and the Basic Filipino Language classes, as well as being the current Youth Chair for Council of Asian Pacific Americans of Michigan.

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Even though life continues to move forward, a part of my soul seems suspended within a dimension of time and thought trying to unravel everything.  Often I refer to this as a ball of yarn since everything is interconnected one way or another.  Also, It is too easy to say that “I am James Beni Wilson”.  My identity has a much deeper history than that and encompasses other peoples’ lives who I value now as well.  No one is a just a third party.  They are very much a part of the large design of life somehow.  Everything happens for a reason whether we understand those reasons or not.  Every turning point that has opened doors to me in challenging my own identity, I have been given these blessed opportunities to say these prepared me for this journey back to the Philippines to find the truth.  Without these opportunities and if I have not been able to come in contact with countless people who I have come across in this journey, I may not have the tools that they gave me to understand everything and to accept what is.

I’ve asked a few people if I have changed since this trip.  They’ve said that I seem happier.  Knowing details has helped me know  where I came from to move forward.  Will it be like this for everyone?  I cannot answer that for them.

Finding out that she is no longer with us was difficult.  The first few nights being back from the Philippines did result in tear drenched pillows.  Not only that it’s hard knowing that she passed, but also knowing that I was not abandoned.  Finding a way to communicate my/our story without bringing any disrespect won’t be tricky but will be taken in account.  

Coming in late January, my journey.  

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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