palaging iniisip… “Always thinking”

“Gusto ko nga ipahibalo ang mga istorya na naga kahitabo sa banwa gisaad na to”
– Balita by Gloc 9

Stories of my skin

It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back from the ‘Motherland’.  It’s been also three weeks of pulling out old photos, videos, and organizing everything to be digitized.  I understand now why people are able to be paid to digitize old archives.

A piece of me is missing but at the same time it’s not missing.  Part of me has been left in the Philippines while part of me is back here in America.  Before flying back I thought to myself, “Will I continue to live my life as it was in America or have I consciously changed after this experience?”.  I do have mixed emotions which I am unraveling.  Whether these emotions are positive or negative, after attending a few conferences and being a part of organizations, I’ve learned from others to understand that these emotions are what make me human.

Also I’ve learned from two very wise women.  One woman had said that “Only you are in control of your own thoughts and what you do with them”, and another woman had said to me after asking her for advice was, “Negative thoughts are not in your vocabulary”.  The first woman is Grace Lee Boggs, an American Revolutionary, and the second was Fe Rowland who was the past director for Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino School at the Philippine American Cultural Center of Michigan.  These testimonials have gotten me through many obstacles.

I thank many of the people who have helped me along the way who made this trip possible, those who aided my search such as the Inter-Country AdoptIon Board whom I’ve been in contact with since last Spring, Lorial Crowder who is the co-founder of the Filipino Adoptees Network which is based in New Your City, who is a close friend of mine and aided me during most of the trip.  Lastly was my previous foster family’s generosity of offering me to stay at their home, and for my foster sister Hesziel and her family for emotional support and making me feel safe and keep me safe in my own homeland.  I also thank the people at Asilo for allowing me to stay within their dormitories.

 

Inter-Country Adoption Board Office
Inter-Country Adoption Board Office

During the trip I was able to meet and network with many people involved in inter-country Adoption Services at the 12th Global Consultation on Child Welfare.  Meeting them at this conference also helped finding the right contact people as well when I had to travel to my island of birth, Cebu.  The Department of Social Welfare & Development (DSWD) Region VII were my primary contacts in going to Cebu.

DSWD Region VI
DSWD Region VII

With the help with many of these friends, family and organizations, their advice and dialogue has helped me through many obstacles.  Without them it may not have been easy.  A part of me feels that we’re all meant to have intersected with one another.  

Another part of me wishes that I had could have stayed longer.  Being back in America is strange.  Being in the Philippines was even stranger yet at the same time I felt home.  Perhaps it was because I was fortunate to have people like the organizations whom helped me along the way which were like family to me and also of course, my foster and biological family.  There’s a stronger emphasis of the importance and value of politeness and human interactions while in the Philippines.  Others may argue this but being adopted and still keeping myself rooted within my culture, I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to learn the culture and language parang hindi maging mayabang kung palaging nag-eenglish ako. “so I don’t come off as snobbish if I kept speaking English” since I took the opportunity as much as  I could to understand my roots and assimilate as much as I am able to…

Having these thoughts on my mind of this does not make me grow tired.  I may be still in the process of understanding everything that just happened while I was there.  It won’t be instantaneous but I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason.  For sure I know that this entire journey has made me stronger and has had a positive outcome.

 

 

 

Makibaka

[22 hours left for my Kickstarter Campaign]

Kadtong dili molingi sa gigikanan, dili makaabot sa gipadulongan. (Cebuano Version)
“He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.” -Jose Rizal

Here is my interpretation of looking back at where I came from.  I edited in and faded my passport picture.  This is the earliest picture of me before my adoption.  Although adoption may not be perfect, “Binitay: Journey of a Filipino Adoptee” will be taking the darkness and shedding light on it.  

 

_________

I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

_________

Shared Self

[4 days left for my Kickstarter Campaign]

I was at work and was waiting on a customer a year ago.  She comes in pretty often with her son and daughter. I found out later after politely asking her if they were adopted because both her and husband are white Caucasian while here children are Latino. I find out before she left  that she adopted them from Guatemala.  

When she told me that they were adopted I told her I was too.  She then asked from where and how old I was when I was adopted and I told her that I was adopted from the Philippines at the age of three.  She then told her son that I was adopted too and I thought it was cute because he asked if I was Guatemalan as well.  She then told him “Not all adopted children are Guatemalan”, since his adopted sister is from Guatemala as well and I believe they are biological siblings.

This made me think of past times that I was working and she has come in, her adoptive son that is probably around six years old, would stare at me all the time.  I told her how he would do that after today and also noted that he probably thought I was Guatemalan too.  She smiled back and told me, “Yeah I think he looks for other people who look like him as well”.  

Many flashbacks of when I was his age came into existence and when I would subconsciously look for other people who were like me or looked like me too.

Who I am is more than what reflects back at me in the mirror.  I questioned that for 17 years of my life and in search for answers.
Who I am is more than what reflects back at me in the mirror. I questioned that for 17 years of my life and in search for answers.

 

_________

I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

_________

 

 

Awakened.

[4 days left for my Kickstarter Campaign] My eyes were opened wide after my first  FANHS Seattle conference in 2010.

FANHS Rizal Park, Photo credits to Aldrich Sabac (I believe he took this, correct me if I'm wrong)
FANHS Rizal Park, Photo credits to Aldrich Sabac (I believe he took this, correct me if I’m wrong)

 This was the most time I’ve spent with any large group of Filipinos which may have reached at least one thousand or more attendees.  Those grouped in this photo is not even a quarter of who came.  Being only three years since I’ve kindled a relationship with my kinship and communities, FANHS has helped grow Filipino communities local and abroad, foster dialogue, and learning.  

When I first started telling my story to others at this conference, I soon found out that there was a Filipina, Lorial Crowder, who was hosting a workshop.  She had founded the Filipino Adoptees Network.  Of course, I was hunting her down the entire conference.  We met finally during her workshop panel where I had met a few other Filipino adoptees and watched a documentary film called “Left On Lockett Lane” filmed and produced by Jon Reinert.  From there was another transformation and realization.  

 

_________

I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

_________

 

Connecting the dots.

DSC00358
Adoption Papers cover photo

[7 Days left for my Kickstarter Campaign]

The earliest photo of me.  This is the first photo my parents had received upon my adoption and finally knowing who their son looks like and will be.

The cover sheet to my adoption papers has documented the darkest part of my story.  I had never seen my adoption papers.  When I turned eighteen, I found out about these, and because I was unsure if I had to be a legal adult, I asked for these documents as a birthday present when I turned eighteen.

Things did not match up being that I was an orphan.  I never knew the story of how I made it to the orphanage, until my birthday.

_________

I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

_________