“Araw-Araw” Day by Day Daily Grind

I’ve been on hiatus with keeping up with this blog but life has continued on with compiling the last pieces of footage back here in Michigan to complete my documentary.  Life also has kept going on as for work, organizing the Filipino Youth Initiative, and the Basic Filipino Language classes, as well as being the current Youth Chair for Council of Asian Pacific Americans of Michigan.

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Even though life continues to move forward, a part of my soul seems suspended within a dimension of time and thought trying to unravel everything.  Often I refer to this as a ball of yarn since everything is interconnected one way or another.  Also, It is too easy to say that “I am James Beni Wilson”.  My identity has a much deeper history than that and encompasses other peoples’ lives who I value now as well.  No one is a just a third party.  They are very much a part of the large design of life somehow.  Everything happens for a reason whether we understand those reasons or not.  Every turning point that has opened doors to me in challenging my own identity, I have been given these blessed opportunities to say these prepared me for this journey back to the Philippines to find the truth.  Without these opportunities and if I have not been able to come in contact with countless people who I have come across in this journey, I may not have the tools that they gave me to understand everything and to accept what is.

I’ve asked a few people if I have changed since this trip.  They’ve said that I seem happier.  Knowing details has helped me know  where I came from to move forward.  Will it be like this for everyone?  I cannot answer that for them.

Finding out that she is no longer with us was difficult.  The first few nights being back from the Philippines did result in tear drenched pillows.  Not only that it’s hard knowing that she passed, but also knowing that I was not abandoned.  Finding a way to communicate my/our story without bringing any disrespect won’t be tricky but will be taken in account.  

Coming in late January, my journey.  

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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palaging iniisip… “Always thinking”

“Gusto ko nga ipahibalo ang mga istorya na naga kahitabo sa banwa gisaad na to”
– Balita by Gloc 9

Stories of my skin

It’s been three weeks since I’ve been back from the ‘Motherland’.  It’s been also three weeks of pulling out old photos, videos, and organizing everything to be digitized.  I understand now why people are able to be paid to digitize old archives.

A piece of me is missing but at the same time it’s not missing.  Part of me has been left in the Philippines while part of me is back here in America.  Before flying back I thought to myself, “Will I continue to live my life as it was in America or have I consciously changed after this experience?”.  I do have mixed emotions which I am unraveling.  Whether these emotions are positive or negative, after attending a few conferences and being a part of organizations, I’ve learned from others to understand that these emotions are what make me human.

Also I’ve learned from two very wise women.  One woman had said that “Only you are in control of your own thoughts and what you do with them”, and another woman had said to me after asking her for advice was, “Negative thoughts are not in your vocabulary”.  The first woman is Grace Lee Boggs, an American Revolutionary, and the second was Fe Rowland who was the past director for Paaralang Pilipino or Filipino School at the Philippine American Cultural Center of Michigan.  These testimonials have gotten me through many obstacles.

I thank many of the people who have helped me along the way who made this trip possible, those who aided my search such as the Inter-Country AdoptIon Board whom I’ve been in contact with since last Spring, Lorial Crowder who is the co-founder of the Filipino Adoptees Network which is based in New Your City, who is a close friend of mine and aided me during most of the trip.  Lastly was my previous foster family’s generosity of offering me to stay at their home, and for my foster sister Hesziel and her family for emotional support and making me feel safe and keep me safe in my own homeland.  I also thank the people at Asilo for allowing me to stay within their dormitories.

 

Inter-Country Adoption Board Office
Inter-Country Adoption Board Office

During the trip I was able to meet and network with many people involved in inter-country Adoption Services at the 12th Global Consultation on Child Welfare.  Meeting them at this conference also helped finding the right contact people as well when I had to travel to my island of birth, Cebu.  The Department of Social Welfare & Development (DSWD) Region VII were my primary contacts in going to Cebu.

DSWD Region VI
DSWD Region VII

With the help with many of these friends, family and organizations, their advice and dialogue has helped me through many obstacles.  Without them it may not have been easy.  A part of me feels that we’re all meant to have intersected with one another.  

Another part of me wishes that I had could have stayed longer.  Being back in America is strange.  Being in the Philippines was even stranger yet at the same time I felt home.  Perhaps it was because I was fortunate to have people like the organizations whom helped me along the way which were like family to me and also of course, my foster and biological family.  There’s a stronger emphasis of the importance and value of politeness and human interactions while in the Philippines.  Others may argue this but being adopted and still keeping myself rooted within my culture, I’m glad that I was given the opportunity to learn the culture and language parang hindi maging mayabang kung palaging nag-eenglish ako. “so I don’t come off as snobbish if I kept speaking English” since I took the opportunity as much as  I could to understand my roots and assimilate as much as I am able to…

Having these thoughts on my mind of this does not make me grow tired.  I may be still in the process of understanding everything that just happened while I was there.  It won’t be instantaneous but I am a strong believer in that everything happens for a reason.  For sure I know that this entire journey has made me stronger and has had a positive outcome.

 

 

 

Blood, Confidentiality & Respect

 

Out of respect for my kababáyan (fellow Filipinos), barángay (municipal town), and lastly, kapamílya (biological relatives), the blog documentations as well as the film release will keep certain information kept confidential.

This will be the challenge of the film but also a learning experience of when one culture meets and learns about another.  Even though I have found many missing pieces of my puzzle, some however are incomplete and may remain that way, and I am ok with that.  But I do know that after this trip, I have a stronger sense of self and where I came from.

Anyways, welcome to my backyard!

Barrio Mabuli
Barrio Mabuli

 

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Foiled Plans & Flight Plan

Flight Plan
Flight Plan

With less than a day to leave on my trip it has not sunk in…

Several times since I was 18 I always wanted to go back to the Philippines and search for both my foster family and my birth family.  It would constantly fall through.  I’d be invited by people to be accompanied by them when they go on vacation but I don’t blame them that they didn’t tell they were going.  It’s their vacation.  My trip is more personal.  I’m beyond fortunate to be given this opportunity to not only reconnect with my foster family but also do this biological family search.  Thankfully, I’ll be able to document this experience as well.

It is the most difficult time right now for me to fathom that I’ll be going back.  It has not totally sunk and set in that I’ll be seeing my ‘birth place’.  It hasn’t really hit me that I’ll be seeing these foster family relatives and experiencing the Philippines.  Lastly, it has not ht me that I’ll be making this search for self real.

I feel as if that all of this has been postponed for a reason. Things had to happen within a series of events first before I could make this happen.  This would not have happened without your understanding and support.

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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Umbilical Cord

[2 hours left for my Kickstarter Campaign]

“To find the umbilical cord, one must first go back into the womb.”   p. 84 BABAYLAN, (Mendoza-Strobel)

When I was found, my umbilical cord was infected.  Despite the infected umbilical cord, I was in good health condition.  A trained “hilot” named Aleja, was called to the necessary cutting of the umbilical cord.  

Taken from my adoption papers.
Taken from my adoption papers.

 

Although my umbilical cord has been infected and cut, it doesn’t sever my ties back to where I came from.  This will be my journey going “back into darkness into intervals of pain and joy, denial, discovery, and reconciliation.” (Angel Velasco Shaw)

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I invite you to join me on the rest of this journey to reach back as I move forward.

–> Visit my Kickstarter campaign at http://kck.st/filipinoadoptee

–> Join our Facebook community at http://www.facebook.com/binitaydocumentary

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